Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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