I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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