If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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