maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
