It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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