and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
