Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
