my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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