I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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