i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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