How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
