Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
