I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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