I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
