Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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