i think my mom watched the whole time
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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