guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Randomize
