I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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