My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
