Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
