is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Randomize
