Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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