where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
