I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
