I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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