hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
