I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
