and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
