Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
