I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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