i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
