Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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