I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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