U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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