I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
