Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This is the high leading the old right now
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
