Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
