I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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