You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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