Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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