The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
