Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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