just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
BRING THE BAGELS
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize