He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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