i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
