I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
