Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
