the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
