I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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