I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
