Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
