My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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