Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
