did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
