my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
