anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize