I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
