Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
