Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
