It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
