How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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